23/07/2023 Matins/Όρθρος - Back in Paris! It's 3 am and I have been bawling my fucking eyes out at a tiktok about a cat dying for the past 10 minutes. I'm jetlagged so sleep is out of the question, as much as I wish I could. For now, sobbing about cat videos is fine.

Being back here I have IMMEDIATELY regressed into my 15 year old self, but some things are better. I was walking around my neighbourhood yesterday afternoon and it struck me how fucking ridiculous it is that THESE are the people whose judgement I feared so much for so many years. It's laughable. They're pathetic, little people!!! I'm gonna serve incredible levels of cunt the whole time I'm here just to disrupt their little homogenuous Westmount-chic vibe. I finally feel the minimum self-confidence needed to have a teenage rebellion - I wish for once that I was covered in tattoos and piercings, just to piss them off. When I was an actual teenager, of course, I feared everything and everyone so much that I just presented as inconspicuously and unrebelliously as possible, both in terms of actual visual presentation and behaviour. But now I cannot wait to be the prodigal tranny who liberates the north 16e from its rancid bourgeois cryptofascist vibes and the plague of homophobic rich teenagers pretending to be racaille.

I'm having thoughts about coming out to family and how things are going for now. I feel that maybe my mum may have taken my directions to hide my transition from my extended family for not and ran with it a bit too far, and I kind of feel like she treats me like she's ashamed of me. I don't like that at all. Gonna have to have some conversations. Gonna have to blog.

Tomorrow is the finish of Tour de France, otherwise known as the yearly single most annoying day in Paris, so I'm gonna have to check the map for the course this year and plan my day around giving it as wide a berth as possible. Back to my cat videos.

-A