13/06/2023 Compline/Απόδειπνον - Everything is bad and I want to die! No actually it isn't. But I am very much going through it at the moment. I'm stuck in a cycle of evil vicious lethargic inertia. I do fuck all, all day. My misery is abject and all-consuming. I remain, as I always have been no matter how strongly all signs point to the contrary, utterly convinced that I am doomed for failure in all realms personal, professional, romantic, familial, nutritional, musical, self-actualisational, physical, religious, emotional, financial, psychological, transitional, and bloggial. A recent epiphany has made me realise that the key to this is the fact that it doesn't actually matter how well I'm doing or how far I go in life in any one of these areas - the fact of the matter is I am an inherently miserable sour grape of a woman who is doomed to dissatisfaction no matter what it is she's up to. I could achieve success in all of this and still be completely fucking miserable and still feel like a failure. Shifting goalposts. Actually I've suddenly decided I no longer want to write about this so I'm going to leave it there.

I've been obsessed of late with a quote misattributed to Zachary's friend Olivia, of the Adams Park Gazette, originally coined by Camus (also a misattribution - it was probably written by an American psychologist who was writing a book about Camus, which explains why I can't find the French original of the quote anywhere online). The phrase is "should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?" I'm completely obsessed with this and I think I might blog about it in more detail soon as to why I'm so obsessed.

But until then, anyways, you can all rest easy knowing that although lately I've been at my most abjectly hopelessly depressed, any suicidal ambitions are inevitably curtailed by the fact that reaching for the coffee pot almost always entails less of an expenditure of energy than buying a rope.

-A